I was holding back
I felt like I was really showing up for life. Like I was pushing myself past my comfort zone.
In some ways I was. The last few years I have been holding space for alot of people’s deep transformations, and some required a lot of my energy and time.
But when space came, when I could relax a bit, this subtle sneaky resistance showed up. I was tired, I got sick alot, my days seem to muddle in to one another.
Oddly enough, I felt healthier than I have in years but but bouts of stomach issues and general malaise kept circling back to me. There has been a lot going around in the last few years, but why, when in other regards I felt good, did I almost regularly feel just not great.
Tiredness unlike most, was actually how I was as a child. I was sleepy, and needed a lot of rest. Despite having bursts of a lot of energy. I assume this is because I was often overwhelmed by the world as a sensitive person and so resting allowed me a break and to decompress.
But now, it felt like an adaptation, like malaise and tiredness was some unconscious coping mechanism to keep me in the familiar.
Is it possible that most of the chronic daily experiences we have that limit us are actually just ways we have adapted to resist change or to manage our fear of it. It’s easy to notice negative self talk, if your paying attention and try to change that but what about tiredness, or moodiness, or even…pms.
There are physical reasons for many of these things and underneath them also more emotional reasons stored in the body.
But I have and many of us have tackled those contributing factors head on, so why the lingering feelings? Because it made it easier to hold back. I have manifested so much good in my meditations, but in the day to day there was this pressure like it was coming in but it was overwhelming. I didnt know what exactly to do with the energy I had called in.
To allow the new things in, I was going to have to change with the energy, so I resisted. There would be days I felt so energized, I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. It was easier to be tired and “under the weather” than to get past my resistance to learning and behaving as a new me.
It was easier to be tired than to really show up and receive what the universe has in store.
We often think of manifestations as complete packages, like a car, or a sum of money or a person. But it’s really getting in to a moving energetic current that includes versions of those things. Those currents are about the unfolding of the version of you that creates the items or experiences. So the inspiration to learn a new skill, that leads to a class, that leads to your resume going out differently that leads to a new job that leads to more money that leads to buying the car, would be a current or wave of a new frequency.
For those of you wondering, I do believe it is possible to manifest something in full form without so many obvious ways of it coming about but its often more fun or less resistant for us to interact and engage. We are constantly in a state of time moving forward, in motion, so we enjoy the aligned actions. Even if we do manifest an item in full form, it too isn’t static. Our relationship to it changes, we drive it, we spend it, or we love and grow from it.
But what manifestation really does, is expands us. The form it takes is temporary and fleeting, but the version of us that created something is ever lasting and expanding. What we most desire is our experience, and our soul desires the experience of evolving, so we create desired goals to convince us to become more of who we are.
The version of me I would need to become felt much bigger than what I was familiar with. So I resisted. I did not even know that this was happening. But as I opened deeper to my meditation and to who I wanted to become, it hit me right in the face.
I was holding back. But now I have created a path forward. I created a container to focus my mind and energy and I committed to getting past my perceived stopping points, not to force but to break old habits and feel in to newness.
As I have mentioned in the last few emails, I have created a container for you too.
Ignite is a virtual ceremony meant to inspire and heal, so we can all bring our full self to life.
On another note: In order to accommodate creating and facilitating new offerings and more affordable group options, my rates will be going back to $200 per hour session. This allows me more time to create content that can reach more of you at a time for lower prices.
I love readings and mentorships, as we get to go so deep but I also know we all need community and lower cost options that help us to do our inner work in a supportive environment.
But if you would like to purchase future readings for the lower price of $150/hour in bulk before March 1st you still can. So either 5 for $750 or 10 for $1500. These are good for up to a year. And you can gift your sessions to a friend or family member if you like. (Just let me know this) Email me to find out more.
I am so looking forward to all that is going to unfold over the next few months and years because I am no longer holding back.